There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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