meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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