I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
she told me i tasted like america
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
