I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
