I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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