Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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