I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
