you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
