Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
