Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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