just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
