ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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