i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
