Your dad touched me again.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
