The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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