I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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