I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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