My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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