My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
