I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
