yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
