Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
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