why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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