I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
