My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
