Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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