at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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