A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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