I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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