She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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