I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
