Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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