Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
