I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
