Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
