This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
