listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
