she woke up with a sticky ear
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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