EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
