apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
