Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I didn't notice because vodka
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
