this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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