You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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