By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
