whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
