Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
