If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
