Someone shit on the floor
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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