Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
