so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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