i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
