Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
