ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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